You feel hurt because your spouse or partner is cheating. You want to confront them about suspected infidelity so no one takes you for a fool. But know that if you do, any sense of satisfaction might be short-lived. Confronting a partner before you have all the proof can actually hurt you in the long-run. Here are 5 reasons why.

1. Your spouse knows how you think at least as well as you know them.

Whether years into a marriage or still dating, if you let them know what you suspect before you have the proof they’ll cover their tracks and make incriminating evidence more difficult to find. You’ll end up much more frustrated than you were when they insist there’s nothing wrong.

Frustrated women sitting at a desk bent over her laptop.
Women sitting on the grass in a park, thinking about her options as to how to collect information.

2. Be careful about checking phones or tracking mileage.

Asking too many questions about calls or texts will make your spouse far more secretive while you’re around. They become more creative in how they hide things which makes your suspicions harder to prove. If your spouse knows you’re tracking mileage they can leave their car at work. Transponder charges? They can take a different route. The fact is they will do everything possible to stay one step ahead of where they think you are.

3. They know what you suspect through the questions you ask.

If you start asking too many questions, your spouse might figure out what you’re thinking. They can change patterns just enough to deflect further concerns and you might never get to the truth. You should avoid asking too many questions and don’t alert them to what you know.

An angry husband sits on the edge of his bed as his wife continues to ask him questions about where he's been.
A man stairs at his computer screen contemplating what to do about the information he sees.

4. Confrontation will raise their guard. They’ll work hard to convince you it's your imagination.

A strong offence really is a good defensive move. A cheating spouse might experience a range of emotions if cornered. They could feel anger or guilt. They might feel embarrassed or indignant. They might accuse you of of lacking trust or suffocating them. The fact is their attack might cause you to doubt what you know to be true. Always avoid a confrontation until all details are confirmed and you have the facts to support your conclusions.

5. Don’t become the victim of manipulation.

A cheater finds ways to excuse their actions. They can pick at faults in the relationship or make deliberate accusations against you. They can put you on an emotional roller coaster leaving you anxious and struggling with self-doubt. You might start thinking it might all be your fault. Don’t confront the situation before you have all the facts in-hand.

So what should you do when you suspect a cheating spouse?

Start by collecting as much evidence as you can. But be smart about it!

Try to make sure your spouse doesn’t suspect what’s on you mind. Don’t make the common mistake of thinking that by saying nothing, you come off as looking naive. That’s your ego getting in the way of your own best interests. Instead, focus on five key things.

Track their daily schedule and weekly patterns.

What time do they leave for work and when do they return; are there changes in appearance, mood or activities? Can you spot a pattern such as being late on specific nights or after certain scheduled events?

Take note of all excuses for being late or being out-of-reach.

Do the excuses make sense? Do they mention people you know or trust in order to throw off your suspicion? Are they using what look like legitimate events to help cover for missing time?

Track finances such as cash withdrawals or unusual credit card charges.

Are there consistent amounts taken out on particular days? Do these withdrawals correspond to unaccounted time? Does anything seem out of character in their spending habits? Are there subtle changes in behavior?

Look at clothing or grooming related expenses or changes in personal habits.

Are they buying new clothes? Are they wearing styles they haven’t worn before? Are they using products not normal to them? Are they listening to new styles of music? Using a new or expanded vocabulary?

What about cell phone use?

Do they take it with them wherever they go? Do they receive calls or texts at odd times? What excuse do they offer if an odd call comes in while you’re around? Are there any patterns to their calls such as at the same time every day?

Start Keeping a Log

It’s hard for anyone to be logical when dealing with a highly emotional problem. So start keeping a confidential journal of what you suspect and why. Note dates, times and specific details. Include details about your feelings and any uncomfortable intuitive sense you might have when something isn’t right. Keeping a careful record allows you to document your concerns.

A woman entering information on a desktop computer.

 You might later share your records with a qualified professional. A counselor or therapist might help you come to terms with the matter.  A professional private investigator experienced in domestic cases can help confirm your suspicions and collect many more facts. After a time your journal can help you connect some of the dots or analyze some of the information you find.

A man conducting discreet surveillance while providing private investigation services.

Hire a Private Investigator

When you feel certain that your suspicions are real but you just can’t get the facts, consider turning to a professional, licensed private investigator.  If you do, the first thing you’ll find is how important it is for all your details and records to be examined through an unbiased eye.The investigator you choose should be able to ask you enough of the right questions to help assess and analyze your concerns. For example at Franco Investigation Services Ltd.,we start by listening to a client’s information and compiling a detailed set of leads. We guide the client by asking extensive questions starting with subject personal details such as appearance,

background and known activity all the way through to schedule, mode of transportation, work and contacts or associates. We look for any notable recent changes which might shed light on the concern. For example, are there any new friends or perhaps renewed contact with an old friend; whether any names have come up which might prompt a concern; was there a sudden change in priorities which might be unusual?


Once our file is opened we analyze known subject details against identified concerns so that we can effectively schedule a field investigation. For example, if a subject maintains a traditional daytime work schedule and a relationship is suspected, surveillance might focus on after-work activities. If the subject’s time is accounted for during the week, we might look at investigating weekend activities or scheduling an investigation during upcoming time-off.

By targeting our investigative approach, we make every effort to ensure investigative time is invested efficiently so that investigative costs can be controlled.

Once an investigation is underway, we communicate with the client to discuss our findings as they are confirmed. This approach ensures the client is kept up-to-date with the results, as well as helping to determine where the subject is  truthful and where red-flags are being raised. Whenever unusual activities or events are identified, more direct investigative approaches might be considered.

Private investigators review case details following field surveillance.
Four people smile as they review a case file and analyze evidence contained on a document.


Once all the facts are in, we compile our report including images and  videos which may have been gathered. This allows us to meet with the client in order to review and fully understand the investigative results, as well as discussing any possible further recommended steps.

We understand how difficult it can be for client to review the results of a cheating spouse investigation. But our experience shows that by confronting the facts, clients can come to terms with the reality of their situation.  Eliminating the doubt is often the most empowering result of our investigation.  By doing so, our client can confront the Problem, not the spouse.

When all the evidence is in and the facts are known, we do our utmost to help clients put information into context and make the best decision possible in the situation.

At Franco Investigation Services Ltd., we understand—and we can help!

Recommended Posts